What makes a good Christmas movie? Well, apparently NOT “Die Hard”. Although some polls have dubbed it one of the best action films of all time, despite being set at Yuletide, it doesn’t count. So what does? And why? OK, so here are some clues in the pile of DVDs and Blu-Rays we return to every year. Physical media. It rocks. Picking a top 12 movies though is a tough one. We grew up with many of these films (hence a lot are from the 80s and 90s), actually enjoy them and they have stood the test of time with multiple viewings, although some may not meet the strict criteria of the picky British public. Therefore a few famous titles are missing: “It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946) does not meet my own personal criteria as, despite some incredible performances, I find it utterly depressing, likewise the charmless “Love Actually” (2003).

First let’s check out “Die Hard”‘s seasonal action movie competitors. I’d like to nominate Tony Scott’s frantic and prescient “Enemy of The State” (1998) – his timely warning of an America slipping into a surveillance state. Will Smith is on smugly good form and it’s worth a spot on the list as the plot revolves around a Christmas present. Probably a more tenuous entry is Doug Liman’s “The Bourne Identity” (2001), there is little festive feelgood factor here, but it IS set at Christmas, there is a ton of snow and it’s just ideal if you want a few visceral fight scenes to help you through the pressures of the holidays.

There is a ton of snow in the superb “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” (2005) too. This isn’t strictly a “Christmas film” either, but it is truly imbued with a sense of the British pantomime, a wicked witch to boo, magical talking animals and Father Christmas turning up half-way through to deliver presents. It’s a (mostly) faithful adaptation of the novel, the young cast are delightful and the rather shonky CGI is today rather charming.

It’s no surprise that the majority of movies on the list are comedies. The oldest (and shortest) is from 1929. “Big Business” is a silent movie from Laurel and Hardy, with the duo playing door-to-door Christmas tree sellers. This is an early effort in their 25 year career, but already Stan and Ollie are fully into their inept, derby-hatted personas. It’s a surprisingly violent 20 minutes. A much more recent entry is “Office Christmas Party” (2016) starring Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. An entertaining, sleazy callback to pre-Lockdown days where office and sexual politics ruled (are they still a thing?). As most of these films do, its plot revolves around a dysfunctional or troubled family at Christmas, but it is mercifully, almost completely, child-free.

One common theme amongst the other comic entries on the list is that of the harassed father with anger-management issues trying to create the perfect Christmas. Chevy Chase’s breakfast cereal scientist in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989) is on stronger form than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s workaholic bed-salesman in “Jingle All the Way” (1996) – Chase is obsessed with the season and clearly gives a shit about his family, Arnie does eventually recognise his failings, despite not actually buying a single present for either his wife or son throughout the film. Both movies are hilarious if you are in the mood for chainsaws, exploding ornaments or people falling off things. A more disturbing father-figure can be found in “Bad Santa” (2003), Billy Bob Thornton’s sex-obsessed safe-cracker is a truly pathetic character, whose annual big break-in of a department store only leads to more drinking and more trouble. His redemption is ultimately found in getting the perfect present for an overweight and bullied kid… and being shot by the police.

Retail plays a huge part in these movies and one looks in awe today at the scale of the department stores of the past. The original “Miracle on 34th Street” (1947) is my favourite depiction of this world, with Father Christmas himself (or at least somebody who believes he is) attempting to take a stand against the commercialisation of the season (whilst still happily being paid to sell toys). It’s an utter joy about a new family coming together (rather than one falling apart), aided by the strong and very modern presence of Maureen O’Hara’s executive single-mom in the lead. The underrated and very funny “Last Christmas” (2019) is likewise female-focussed. It too is largely set at a (very) festive shop with Emilia Clarke’s fucked-up Croatian refugee having a refreshingly crap Crimbo, who eventually becomes a beacon of hope and joy for others, all to a killer soundtrack of George Michael and Wham songs. As with New York in “Miracle”, London itself becomes a character in the movie and it has a lovely supernatural twist.

And so we come to the ultimate Christmas ghost story. There have been many versions of Charles Dickens’s “A Christmas Carol”, but for me, the 2 most entertaining adaptations came within a few years of each other. Richard Donner’s “Scrooged” (1988) now feels like a period piece, with its depiction of pre-streaming network television as dated as a slice of Victoriana. Donner’s handling of ambitious, mechanical special effects comes to the fore and the script is darkly hilarious. Meanwhile the performances are broad and energetic, almost vaudevillian, with some properly creepy ghosts and Bill Murray in the lead showing us a truly unpleasant, miserly bastard. Likewise Michael Caine’s very believable Scrooge in “The Muppet Christmas Carol” (1992), one of the most accurate depictions of the spirit of Dickens on screen, largely down to its extraordinary puppet spirits. Musical, spooky and funny with all your favourite Muppet characters, it has aged extremely well and ticks all the boxes for exemplary Xmas entertainment.